As you may have seen earlier on today we are fans of the Star Wars series and on this most beautiful of days the world over celebrates the science fiction genius behind one of the biggest movie franchises of all time. Having previously seen a metal band that describes themselves as Darth Metal, we have now thought what if we were to be in a parallel universe… Instead of characters Star Wars being the sentient beings that they are shown as, what if they were metal? What would the galactic empire have turned out and most importantly, who would listen to what?!
Darth Sidious / Emperor Palpatine – Black Metal
This one should be obvious for those versed in the dark arts that is Black Metal, being a truly nasty piece of work the Senator is not only kitted out in the perfect black metal attire, complete with a creepy cloak. He also possesses that monotone voice and he can shoot lightning! Not to mention that he is named after one of the most influential black metal bands, Emperor! So what if he sounds like Mayhem when he speaks…
Chewbacca – Folk Metal
Warming our hearts the world over with his reappearance in the latest of the Star Wars saga, but what if Chewy listened to metal? Due to the sheer amount of hair the gentle giant has, I would bet that it would be Folk metal. Swapping luscious locks for a more organic approach you could definitely imagine Korpiklaani or Turisas on Chewy’s iPod!
Princess Leia – Female Fronted Metal
Flying the flag for all the ladies of the metal universe out there who better than princess Leia, the fixation of oh so many teen boys dreams. An incredibly strong character in the series that as the saga develops becomes truly defiant and a key member in the rebel alliance. A fantastic role model for the female fronted metal in the universe!
C 3PO / R2 D2 – Hair Metal
The supremely camp C-3PO is known for his incredibly uptight approach, along with his nouse has gotten both him and his little buddy R2D2, cinema’s most rooted for robot, out of some very sticky situations. Being so uptight all the time must be rather exhausting and though the robot has no hair on his head whatsoever, I could see the golden boy letting loose and rockin’ out to some Motley Crue and some Twisted Sister with his robotic cohort always there to give a helping hand!
Qui Gon Jinn – Power Metal
Being the wise master that he is helping Obi Wan Kenobi as and when he can, Qui Gon Jinn would definitely be listening to some Rhapsody or Firewind. Often seen galaxies the world over air guitaring with his lightsaber whilst imagining battling the dragons of times once gone.
Obi Wan Kenobi- Symphonic Metal
Allround nice guy Obi Wan is definitely one of our favourite characters in the story. Moulding young Anakin before he becomes a royal pain in the ass, I would imagine that Kenobi would definitely be first up for hearing some Septic Flesh or perhaps Moonspell in his ears whilst defending the galaxy from it’s evils!
Tuskan Raiders – Deathgrind
Looking like what Travis Ryan sounds like, the Sand people are surely one of the most memorable characters in the film. Ambushing our heroes from the hills, you can definitely imagine that the hellish screams they utter would be singing along to some of deathgrind’s greats! Cephalic Carnage, would be my guess!
Greedo – Thrash
Sounding like a green Steve Souza, who else would be the leader of Thrash metal? When not double crossing our protagonists’ Greedo enjoys listening to Metallica, Testament, Megadeth and even bought Slayer’s brand new 7 inch “When The Stillness Comes” and has said that its the best thing he has ever heard! Yet another fan anxiously waiting for our heroes return this year.
Boba Fett – Metal
One of the most well thought out characters in the galaxy. The equivalent to an upgraded Predator, armed with some of the coolest gadgets since James Bond. Not to mention he’s got a bloody jetpack! Flying the world over capturing his plentiful bounty’s I would imagine that he would have the words of Lamb Of God’s resident lyricist Randy Blythe as he blasts away his enemies to get him through the struggle of the galaxy.
Jawa – Doom Metal
Looking like extras from a Sunn o))) concert, the little jawas are pretty much shoehorned into listening to doom metal. Living on Tattoine the little buggers have high pitched squeaking and are still currently listening to Sabazius’ The Descent Of Man, a one song record that is 11 hours long…
Jabba The Hut – Stoner
Whilst he’s busy enslaving Princess Leia, the fat slug sits atop his disgusting throne. Being so lazy to not be able to even move, you can totally tell that Jabba would have been the one to have a couple of Kyuss albums, smoke up and pop some Neurosis on, there must be a reason he’s that fat!
Stormtrooper – Industrial
Following order after order from the dark side, the Stormtroopers are the loyal soldiers that die in battle for anything that they are commanded. Not to mention they are an abysmal shot… However if they were to listen to metal, I would imagine in that uniform sense it would have to be the likes of Ministry leading their attack or like a spotless Rammstein!
Darth Maul – Tech Death
Looking like the angriest hedgehog of all time, this bona fide badass introduces the idea that a Lightsaber doesn’t have to just have one end. The Phantom Menace’s final confrontation features some of the best fighting in the trilogy. However a little known secret is that before the fight, Maul would pop on some Necrophagist and listen to “Fermented Offal Discharge” to get him in that fighting mood and yes, even in galaxies light years ahead of us there’s no news of Necrophagist’s new album…
Luke Skywalker – Metalcore
Of course our good guy hero would listen to the All That Remains of the world, though this is nothing detrimental to his character he just seems like the kind of guy that would call Five Finger Death Punch metal. Picturing that his favourite bands would be the likes of DevilDriver and Killswitch Engage, he may be a central character to the story but his music taste would be pretty damn boring.
Yoda – Progressive Metal
Genres of all to listen, will be always progressive. Yoda is the wise old sage. Our small green Mr Miyagi holds the keys to becoming the best Jedi that the world will ever have seen. It would seem only fitting that the little green dude would be jamming some Devin Townsend or perhaps Dream Theater whilst teaching his pupils the ways of the force. For sure “The Spirit Carries On” would be played in his swamp hut at that moment… A sad day for our Yoda, yet he lives on forever in the progressive madness. Still waiting for Tool to release their new album.
Darth Vader – Death Metal
The father of all things metal, one of the most iconic movie figures that inspires terror in even the most seasoned of soldier in our universe. Darth Vader is not only, in my personal opinion the best villian in cinematic history, yet for someone who is completely artificial incredibly human and like the true Vader of death metal Chuck Schuldiner was taken before his time. You can imagine that whilst choking people with the force he would be listening to some Cannibal Corpse or jamming to some Morbid Angel, not to mention the polish death metal veterans are named after the guy!
Han Solo – Heavy Metal
Not only able to come back from being frozen inside a wall, but one of the best pilots in the galaxy. Steadfast in his old school ways, you can bet your bottom dollar that there would be some Maiden or Priest being blasted out amidst those incredible chase scenes. The Millienium Falcon would definitely be the ‘Painkiller’! Han Solo is an unbeatable bad ass, like the old bloke in the pub that only rears his head when someone puts that classic Motorhead banger on, recounting for the millionth time how they saw the band and how incredible they were live.
Rancor – Grindcore
Who else would love one of the most animalistic genres of the metal. Being let loose from that cage, what else would you listen to that Pig Destroyer’s Pretty In Casts or early Wormrot! Personally one of my favourite scene’s in all of the Star Wars saga is when Luke is fighting this behemoth, perhaps before he gets crushed by that gate he might listen to Terrorizer just one last time. Surely that pit must Reek Of Putrefaction…
These are just some of the ideas that we have come up with, fellow metalheads, point us in the right direction! Who have we missed out? Who do you think would be better suited to each genre?
